Mar 1, 2010

Look For Me On The Evening News.

This is my first installment of something I discovered last night called "Bitch and Moan Mondays." Not that I'm a ray of sunshine any other day of the week, but it's nice to have an excuse to complain.

Last week I declared that I hate hipsters with the white hot intensity of a million more hateful versions of me. Nothing inspires more ire in my soul than a pair of skinny jeans and an ironic tee-shirt (Put a can of that swill PBR in the guy's hand, and I feel a hate crime comin' on!). Nothing, that is, until I met the lady next door. Or, more specifically, her dogs.

As the last willowy strands of winter in the South twist and break away, we're treated to the occasional glimpse of spring. I've never experienced such lovely weather in February before. Saturday night, as my mother back in Jersey was digging out from under three feet of snow, we had a barbecue with our two (and only two) friends. It's still chilly at night, so we ate at the kitchen table, but still... It was a nice evening.

Sitting outside watching Man do what men throughout history have been hardwired to do: throw dead animals on a fire, turn twice, dish out, I began entertaining notions of new lawn furniture. I pictured a table and chairs under a pretty gazebo. I imagined sitting outside on a warm April morning with New Lappy (coming tomorrow!) and a cup of coffee by my side. I saw Sunday brunch picnics and evening cook-outs with strings of white star lights strung about the fence. I began seeing myself as the fabulous Martha Stewart-esque entertainer I was meant to be.

I heard the music and laughter of a successful outdoor dinner party in my head.

I heard the shrill, fevered barking of three untrained wiener dogs on the other side of the fence.

Oh yeah. Now I remember why we hardly ever come out here.

As the story goes, the old woman next door was lonely sitting by herself on her back porch swing, swilling cheap beer until she passed out in the Louisiana sunshine. So, to keep her company, her son got her a mini-Dachshund. Said Dachshund took up the habit of sitting at the fence next to our yard (right under the bedroom window I might add!) and barking like a mad-creature.

All. Day. Long.

In an effort to quell the poor dog's anxiety, the lady next door thought perhaps if her pup had a friend to play with as she swilled cheap beer and passed out on the swing they would keep eachother company, thus keeping eachother quiet. So she gets another mini-Dachshund. Then there were two yappin-ass wiener dogs sitting at the fence barking.

All. Day. Long.

We aren't quite sure what the reasoning was behind the third puppy, but one day there appeared three (THREE!!!) yappin-ass mini wiener dogs at the fence. Now when we so much as think about stepping foot out the back door in the middle of the day (sometimes at night) we're treated to a trio of frenzied yap-yap-yap-yap! as the little ones clamor all over one another and the fence to get our attention. I've tried to wait them out-- hoping they'd eventually tire themselves and move onto sniffing eachother's butts or digging up the lady's flowers.

Ladies and Gentlemen, those dogs barked for twenty straight minutes without so much as losing a notch in the volume department. Nor did they seem to tire of jumping up and down, tripping over eachother or frantically wagging their nubby little tails. From my vantage point in the yard, I could see the old woman's feet dangling off the swing. That's it. I thought, She's finally drank herself to death.

The next day she and her pack of glorified rodents were out there again..

All. Day. Long.

This isn't to say we haven't tried to remedy the situation. We've called the Parish numerous times. It's little relief to know that she's at least stopped leaving them outside at night, but there isn't much that can be done during the day.

Then, hope.

While channel-surfing one sunny afternoon (I say "one" like I don't do it all the time), I saw a promo for a new reality show. It seems Steven Segal has been riding along with the Jefferson Parish police for quite a number of years now, and they've finally gotten around to making a show about it. Though he's a bit overweight and clearly nobody on the force takes him seriously, I remember Mr Segal as a no-nonsense, kick-ass-and-take-names Hollywood superhero.

Surely if I asked nicely the Parish would send him over to reason with the lady, and possibly (hopefully) tai-chi kick those little rascals into the next state (where they would hopefullly land in a junkyard guarded by a pack of hungry German Shepherds... Or lions.).

Sadly, Steven is across the bridge in the not-so-nicer neighborhoods battling drug dealers and drunken gun-wielding car thieves. Over here on the perpetual Sunday afternoon at the bird sanctuary side of the Parish, a threesome of annoying Dachshunds does not constitute a visit from the Marked For Death one.

Well, poo!

Perhaps if I go across the street and sell the neighbor kid some of my Tylenol PM, then swipe their soccer mom mini-van to take a joy ride through the bird sanctuary I can get someone who garners actual results to come into this neighborhood.

Or perhaps if I ever invite you over for a barbeque, you should steer clear of the wiener-schnitzel.

Do you have any annoying neighbor horror stories?


Kisha said...

Oh. My. God. I love you. Let's get married. I'll even have the babies AND do the dishes.

My across the street neighbor is a grade A slut. I had to stop letting our kids hang out because her five year old was telling my four year old the only way to be cool was to kiss boys. And I'm pretty sure she's turning tricks-and not of the magic variety. Anyhoo.

Great, awesome post and thanks so much for linking up!!!


Em Static said...

Throw in the laundry and you've got yourself a wife. Haha.

I swear, the more I hear about parenting, the happier I am that I don't have kids. I'd probably end up on the NATIONAL news after hearing something like that had been repeated to my offspring.

Stacy said...

um...gulp...I'm afraid I'm THAT annoying neighbor. I have 2 dogs that yip quite often. We converted our chain link fence to a white vinyl fence which has helped immensely, but sometimes they do still bark at the neighbors. One of them is a real jerk and threatened to call animal control on us or to poison our dog. I won't lie, I felt a little glimmer of satisfaction when I learned he was robbed at gunpoint a few months ago. Sorry!

P.S. 34 followers? You go girl!

Stefany said...

So, I am sad for the dogs. I know, bleeding heart *gag*. I am sad that someone who clearly doesn't want the dogs has them. That said, I would invest in some lumber and build a privacy fence without haste! We had this problem when I was growing up and my parents literally built a privacy fence that was next to our patio. Oh yeah, it worked and it was also nice so that the neighbor lady didn't see us!

Regardless, that would drive me crazy too. I hope something happens to make them shut the hell up!

I am going to be your next follower. ;)

Em Static said...

Stacy: I commented over on your blog so I was sure you know I'm not a small-dog hater. :(

Stefany: It is a shame that she's got this bunch of untrained dogs.

We're looking into a fence on that side. The problem is the way the two properties are positioned. Also, they bark at sounds we make in the house too. No kidding! In my own house!

Thanks for the follow! :)

B Sparkly said...

I’ve a neighbor 65 years old that live above me, and I think she like to play bowling at 3:00am right in her living room, without fail every night, and to top it all off she walks around with her high heels on, all day long…I think she is crazy, but this is just my honest opinion;)

Amanda said...

We've been lucky to have good neighbors. I can't think of any that really got under my skin, other than the people above us in our apartment had elephant feet. Barking dogs get to me too and I have a small dog (although she really isn't a barker).

I capital-letter LOVE that you kept saying yappin-ass mini-weiner, like, 10 times in your blog. I giggled harder at every one.

Jenny Brown said...

OMGosh.....I'm laughing my ass off at you right now. I love your stories. I'm racking my brain for a neighbor horror story to tell, and I'm comin' up blank! But if I think of one - I'll let you know........You're too funny!

Tina said...

How about the fact that I have the neighbor from hell who has put in writing that she would like to run over and kill my child or beat him to death and would have so much fun doing so for reasons that are for the past year and a half unbeknownst to us. I actually have a meeting with the chief of police tomorrow to turn over the written death threat!!! And by the way, I own one of those annoying yap and crap weiner dogs that is the joy of my life!!! Although he is very noisy when he wants to be :) So if you ever come to visit your dear old cousin here in GA, a weiner dog will greet you!!!

Suzanne Westover said...

I totally have a neighbour horror story...Actually I think you can read about it on my blog..It' about the first apartment we had in Vancouver - oh, dear, our neighbours had a mattress and a RED LIGHT on their balcony...
You may enjoy:
Love your writing VOICE. So good.

Amber Page Writes said...

Those little yappy dogs are enough to drive anyone insane. Worse, though? I rottweiler who foams at the mouth and threatens to bite through the fence every time you go outside.

That's what I lived next to - for four years. Eventually, I became immune to it, but going out in the yard was never fun.

Emma said...

Returning your visit--cute site! Someone needs to walk those poor little wieners.

Christine Macdonald said...

I like your style, SITSer. Following too. xxoo

Natalie | The Bobby Pin said...

Oh my heck - sooo annoying! We live next to some hipsters with a pit bull! So worst of both worlds I guess. The dog barks all night and they just let it roam the neighborhood to go to the bathroom. It came and growled at me once and I almost called animal control. (and yeah, I know I'm being stereotypical toward pit bulls)

{Not Quite} Susie said...

ALL of my current neighbors are total POS. (pieces of..) We've got a kid in the apt connected to ours that we call "Mariah" after we caught them howling Mariah Carey songs (and we just figured out after 4 months that "Mariah" is a boy)... who continues to shriek songs at the top of his lungs, then my upstairs neighbors who have sex in every single room VERY LOUDLY so there is no escaping it, and the people downstairs who make for awkward silences as I try to be neighborly and they ignore me. Le sigh.

Kita said...

Hopped over from the SITS site of the day. Let me just say I feel for you. I just recently moved to MD where everyone in the world owns a dog and no one cares how long they bark. >.< In my parents neighborhood someone would have called the cops.
PS Cute site :)

Mrs. Dreamer said...

We have three yappy dogs to the east of us (bark at everything including wandering leaves), and one yappy dog to the west of us (Stealers Wheel song, anyone?). They shit in our yard and the neighbors' yards. Would it be rude of me to start flinging their dogshiz at their front porches, or at least deposit it on their front walk? Either that, or I'm going to start sitting out on either the front porch or the back patio with Mr Realist's blow gun loaded with the blunt tip darts. Sting their hide a little.
I hate morons and their dogs.

Tina Lane said...

I used to have a neighbor that would turn on his tv/music super loud (so it was thumping through my walls) and somehow manage to pass out. No matter how hard I knocked on his door he was down for the count, and I was left to his noise pollution at all hours.

Stopping by from SITS. Enjoyed your post.