Mar 8, 2010

No, seriously. Somebody Get Me a Shovel and a Plastic Bag.

I believe in intelligent design.  That is until I take a good look at the other malformed inhabitants of our third rock.  Then I start to wonder if perhaps our great creator wasn’t dropped on His or Her omnipotent head (multiple times) as a Godly baby. Sometimes I find myself lying awake at night wondering if the atheists are right, and life on this planet is a totally random biological accident with no greater purpose involved.  Perhaps we are just a collection of bullshit cells and atoms that happened to mold together into the just-so configuration to create something resembling consciousness.

I mean, it’s the only reasonable explanation for the existence of the Kardashians.


As a writer, I’m observant by nature.  This is not the gift one would think it would be.  I spend my days mired in a tangle of hard questions, like: Why does hate still exist?  Why do we still kill and torture each other and the animals?  Why did that woman think it was a good idea to color her hair the same gaudy red-gold color as the circa 1987 jacket she’s wearing today, and why did nobody mention to her that you can spot her and her hideous jacket from outer space?

(Perhaps it was a bad idea trying to write in a public coffee shop.  I’m finding the people around me quite distracting.  But I digress…)

When it comes to the collective “D’uh!” uttered by the society we’ve created for ourselves, one only needs to turn on the evening news to hear its resonating echo.  Not only can you witness international simpletons in action, but—if you’re very lucky—you catch a glimpse of some numb-nuts in the next county who did something epic such as thinking it was a good idea to trade two children for a pair of exotic pet birds.

Stories such as this are proof-positive in my opinion that we have finally reached “Old Mother Hubbard Status” when it comes to children.  There are people out there who have so many, they don’t know what to do.  Also, we’ve clearly saturated the market.  I remember a time when a healthy American child would fetch the price of a shiny new car.  Now all you get are birds.

If I’ve got my conversion-rates right, our cat Fanny has already dropped off the feathered equivalent of a kindergarten class at the back door.

(Forward all objections and hate mail about what I just said to

Hey, if you liked this, you should really stop by In Through The Out Door and read more about Bitch and Moan Mondays. I almost forgot about it, but since I'm always complaining anyway....



My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Did you see the episode where they got Kris a monkey? The volleyballs are at my desk because they'd get stolen if I left them anywhere else-duh!

Em Static said...

I can really only watch that show five minutes at a time, but yeah... I remember the monkey. They didn't say so on the show, but I'm pretty sure they got rid of it when they realized the monkey was their intellectual superior.

Oh, well the volley ball thing makes perfect sense... ;p

Amanda said...

I disagree. The Kardashians have been sent to us from God so we can see what society could be if we don't all straighten up and get smart. :) If that isn't intelligent design, I don't' know what is. Can you imagine a whole society of Kardashians? *shudder*

Em Static said...

Valid point...

As it stands, whenever I see them I want to tender my resignation from the country.

Kisha said...

You, my friend, are brilliant.

I believe in natural selection, however, it seems to work really, REALLY slowly sometimes.

Now, how do I get rich and famous, and make my entire family rich and famous, for making a really, really bad sex tape?

Leiah said...

Ms. Donna Greenwell? Yeah I bitched about her the other day. Funny thing is I know the attorney who represented her. All I can do is shake my head when I see him.

And all those Kardashians do is give White Trash a bad name!

Christine Macdonald said...

Those nasaly voices drive me nuts, but they sure do entertain in a car-crash sort of way.

I think all spoiled children (especially hollywood) should live for one month where the other half lives. NO cell phone, etc. Then volunteer for Haibitat for Humanity. THAT would be a show.

NatalieCottrell said...

Amen! We've officially ravaged this planet and mankind as a whole right good. I think if I spent more time in public (coffee house counts, even if it is my Happy Place), I would write nothing but rants. Which...well. :)

Dorkys said...

Feathered birds?! Are you kidding me? At least go for an animal you can play with. (Kidding, obviously.)

And hey, coffee shop people watching can make for some interesting posts and stories down the line - evenif you're there to do actual work.

And I agree, I don't get the Kardashians. Good thing I don't get cable either.

Ryane said...

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't come up with an excuse for the Kardashians, although they are sort-of interesting to observe. As to folks selling their kids for birds, absolutely no comment on my part other than dear-god, why did that couple have to piss in the gene pool. Why? Why even have kids if you don't want to be a parent??

Great post and thanks for stopping by!

I am Harriet said...

I'm not sure what they're even done to get their own TV show.

Stopping by via SITS to Say Hello.
Have a great day!

Mrs. Dreamer said...

BTW...I totally nominated you for a Happy 101 award. I tagged you in my post. You rock.

Lynne said...

I thought I was the only one who felt this way!

Stopping by from Lady Bloggers!