Diet Pills, Bad Tattoos, Poop-Story Wednesday (?), and A Blind Item

A Collection Of Random Stuff From This Week That Didn’t Merit An Entire Blog Each…

• Appetite Suppressants, Day One:  Took half of what I was supposed to and still ran around the house like a speed freak.  I think: Perhaps I’ll ease myself into the two-a-time thing as directed  by the bottle.  After the pill wore off, I discovered that Kraft Mac-And-Cheese is even more delicious when you add bacon.

          Diet Pills Day One:  Fail!

Hey, have you ever noticed that it seems to be the people with the most god-awful tattoos that are also the most willing to show them (and every other god-awful bit of ink on their body) to anyone who will look?  Then they’ll go into great detail about all the other horrible tattoos they plan to get before giving you the (home) phone number of their (clearly working from his kitchen table) tattoo artist? I met a guy the other day who should have been wearing a shirt that read: I went to prison and all I got were these lousy tattoos!

… and hepatitis.

What was the deal with Wednesday?  When I came home and settled into my usual post-work blog reading, I found three separate and unrelated stories about poop.

First I laughed my ass off at Steam Me Up Kid with her post: Why Jeff Bridges is not helpful during an anal leakage crisis. 

Then Chicken confirmed for me that I really don’t ever want to get pregnant, with her harrowing tale of a friend’s, um, tail-end with: Not My Poop Story, But Better.

After that I was treated to the knowledge that Walmart’s Great Value Fruity Puffs will turn your poop green, by Cynical Bastard in the middle of his post: A Little Q & A. (I found CB by trolling the “Next Blog” option Tuesday evening.  Ya know, out of every 20 blogs out there I’m gonna say maybe seven of them are actually readable. This was one of them.)

Seriously, guys, next time there’s a theme day like that, let me know.  I’ll tell you all the story of the time I found myself in a Burger King bathroom stall begging the old homeless woman who was bathing (and muttering to) herself in the sink to pass me a bit of toilet paper.  Or a hand towel.  Or the front page of that day’s newspaper. Or one of the small furry creatures that I’m pretty sure she was keeping in her cart. 

I would have given her every dollar and cent in my wallet, as well as my ATM pin code that day.

Ah, I miss life in the big city…

• Appetite Suppressants, Day Two:  I bet the pills will work better if I don’t forget them on the table next to my bed.

Blind Item (Something that ran through my mind this week that I couldn’t say out loud for the sake of not getting smacked):  Golly, if you didn’t bleach the shit out of your hair every four weeks faithfully, you wouldn’t have a bail of hay atop your head…

• Appetite Suppressants, Day Three:  Do NOT!  Take!  With Coffee!!!

And, finally, have I mentioned how much I L.O.V.E. Windows Live Writer?  See how you’re reading this blog on Friday afternoon while I should conceivably be at work?  Well that’s ‘cuz I wrote it Wednesday night and set the program to post it for me!  Oh yeah, I’ve been doing it all week (except when something didn’t post properly on Thursday).  I’m like three blogs ahead of myself now, so no more forced un-funny posts that I scribbled off in 20 minutes.  Now I can take my time, edit, rework and polish.

Also, I’m taking the weekends off from posting.  I’ve noticed that traffic goes way, way down on Saturdays and Sundays, so I’m going to use those days to work on the next week’s blogs.

I’ve got them all set to post at noon on weekdays.  I figure, if you’re eating a sandwich or a cup-o-noodles at your desk, you’ll want something to read.  Perhaps you could be a dear and pass the link to your other cup-o-noodles office mates?  I’m a total attention-whore, I know.