Mar 29, 2010

What Do Garden Gnomes, The Eiffel Tower, Rain Boots and Coach Sneakers Have In Common?

I can’t leave the house without adult supervision anymore.

At the very least some sort of electronic monitoring device.

Or possibly a shock collar.

This past Wednesday I went to Pier One because I needed a new coffee mug. I came out with a complete set of China.

Before that I went into Target for… Honestly, I forget what I went in for, but I left with a couple of pint sized garden gnomes and a pair of sock monkey bedroom slippers. Are they not all kinds of awesome?

Be that as it may, they weren’t what I’d initially gone in for.

Then there was the rain boots I got while looking for new work pants.

Another trip to Target a week later landed me this adorable, but useful for nothing but ascetics, Eiffel Tower candle holder. We’d originally gone in to look at desks for me, but they didn’t have the one I wanted. (Had I actually paid attention to the web site, I’d have known that.) Instead I got something I thought would look cute on the desk that I don’t actually posses yet.

I know.

That brings us to this afternoon when I insisted Man take me to the mall so I could find something to wear to The Video Game Symphony. I found a Yoshi tee shirt at Hot Topic-- a store I only go into anymore when I want to torture myself with the reality of being at least 15 years removed from anything even remotely cool. (Do they even say “cool” anymore?) That reminds me, who the hell is this Justin Bieber? There was a wall of tee shirts dedicated to this kid’s face. Since when am I so out of touch that I have no idea about popular culture? This reminds me of Grandpa Simpson when he said “I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me, and it'll happen to you, too!”

But I digress.

So I got my shirt and I should have known to leave the mall immediately.

However, there’s a problem.

Sitting square between myself and the exit closest to the car?

The Coach store.

And there’s a new pattern in the window.

Ladies and Gentlemen, an addict knows they’re going to use before anyone else does. Perhaps there’s something in the air surrounding them that buzzes with relapse-- or maybe it’s just a certain kind of craving that takes hold at the most base level of the soul-- but the addict knows even before he knows. I knew when I stepped through the door that it wasn’t going to be pretty.

The sales girls saw me coming a mile away (perhaps it was the large Coach purse already slung over my shoulder), and they descended on me like a pack of back-alley crack dealers that just saw someone twitch. The bag, the matching sneakers, the scarf, a wallet and something called a “wristlet” which is just a tiny purse big enough for a pack of cigarettes, a compact and possibly a house key, were all thrust into my hands. It was all “NEW NEW NEW! Just released Friday afternoon! MUST HAVE! MUST HAVE! Isn’t this adorable? And this…? And this would look so cute with this!”

Once in my hands, a fabulous, brand new, designer purse is harder for me to let go of than puppies.

It was dizzying. I mean literally, I became dizzy and disoriented. It was like one of those movies when all the characters’ heads grow to the size of HR Puff N Stuff creatures and words become unintelligible. They had just about talked me into dropping every cent in my wallet when I threw up my hands in the universal sign for “Back da F* up!” and stepped away from them backwards, the way one would an advancing pack of brain-hungry but incredibly snappily-dressed zombies.

“Just give me a minute here, ladies. I need to take a breath before I make any decisions.”

I grabbed Man’s hand and stepped outside for a breath of fresh air and a little perspective.

Five minutes later I marched in that store with every intention of explaining to them that—thank you very much, but I’d be back next week for the purse when I had a little more cash to move around. (Creative Economics I call it. I should teach a class.)

Which I guess wasn’t a lie…

Since I came out with the shoes.


Amber Page Writes said...

Well, as damage goes, I'm guessing the sneakers were easier on the wallet than a purse, yes? And, after all, I'm sure they were crying for a new home.

Em Static said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Oh my gosh - what a fun day shopping!

My mom has a sock monkey hat and just about everyone stops her and asks her about it - love the slippers!

I am totally going to have to hop on over the! My name is Laura and I am a coach-a-holic!!

Amanda said...

I am so in love with those monkey socks. I need them NOW.

I get the same light headed feeling when I see a rack of clearance clothes at kohls.

foxy said...

Hey - I have those exact rainboots!! Got them last October for a rained out concert - and I LOVE THEM.

And you're featuring my father-in-law (G Simpson) on here. How nice! ;)

Leiah said...

I totally have those slipper AND the pjs that match. I noticed this a.m. when I looked down at my slippers the one on the right had lost a button and the way the thread was laying it looked like he was winking at me. Have to say it did make me laugh this a.m.

liz said...

The monkey slippers are just too awesome to pass up. I think there should be a support group for Target shoppers. I don't think I've ever met someone who can go in and come back out with ONLY what they intended to purchase.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Love all the footwear that you bought-cute, cute, cute!

NatalieCottrell said...

See, this is exactly why I don't go shopping. I love everything you bought and would not have been able to resist one of those treasures. I don't care what anyone says, cute new stuff = happiness!

Em Static said...

Amber: Yes, they were *a lot* easier on my wallet by at least half. And YES they were crying for a new home. How could I say no?

Girl Next Door: Want! Sock Monkey! Hat!!

Amanda: I get light headed at a clearance rack anywhere. I've actually never been to a Kohl's. I don't think there's one near here. If I see one, I'm definitely going in.

foxy: I've been waiting for it to rain so I can wear them. They're quite comfy.

Leiah: I missed the jammies! Time to go back to Target.

liz: I'd totally host the meeting at my place. There's a Target not five min from here so, should we all fall off the wagon, we won't have far to go. ;p

MHWT: I'm a sucker for cute lounge footwear. I don't know why.

Natalie: I agree! Whoever said money can't buy happiness was probably the same poor, unattractive person who said "Beauty is on the inside." ;p

Kate said...

I'm not allowed to go into stores anymore because I do the exact same thing. I'd buy those awesome shoes too! :p

That's actually a really good quote...I've definitely been having "kids these days!" moments recently.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic Read. Made me smile the whole way through, ironic as you ready my "downer" post and I got cheered up by yours! LOL

I think I have found a new blog favourite also!


PS. I want monkey socks!!

MrsDixon said...

Target is the worst for us shopaholics! I have been getting in big trouble from the hubs for my spending habits there!

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Target is like crack. I go in for a toothbrush and come out 45 minutes later with $120 worth of stuff.

How do they do it?!??!

T-rexy said...

Target is the black hole of shopping sprees. My boyfriend has learned not to take me in there after having to almost literally drag me out of there because I was enamored with their polka-dot themed stuff (I left with a polka-dot shower curtain to match my polka-dot bathroom). He won't even be seen with me in Hot Topic, but I'm with you: it's got some cute stuff. Ironic that the whole anti-establishment aesthetic has become totally establishment. Anyway, congrats on your new babies!

Em Static said...

I hate that I can't reply to everyone individually...

Kate: I find myself saying things that I would have eyerolled at when I was 16. It's a hard pill to swallow.

Nightengale: Thank you. My life is an unending supply of self-deprecating humor. :/

Mrs Dixon: Are they not the most evil, wonderful stores in all existence? Second only to IKEA. If there was an IKEA in New Orleans I'd be in serious debt.

LSLW: I have no idea! It's like Disneyland for compulsive spenders.

T-Rexy: I had the polka dot shower curtain to match the polka dot bedroom set. Blue dots, right? I've got the blanket in the closet, replaced by this new "less obnoxious" bedroom set... From Target. :/